Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

I was tired of fighting.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Big brands are staying quiet this Pride Month - CNN

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I was tired of trying and failing.

The sadness was still there.

The New Twist In Regeneron's 23andMe Bankruptcy Buyout - Investor's Business Daily

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

It’s still here.

And the sadness?

How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Be who you already are.

Existing PS Plus Members Using Clever Trick to Get a Discount - PlayStation LifeStyle

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Your Blood Test Can Now Track Junk Food Consumption - Indian Defence Review

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

You are like me, then.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

What are some very specific groups of people you just cannot stand?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

MSU Taps J Batt As Next Director of Athletics - Michigan State University Athletics

It’s here now, writing to you.

I had run out of hope.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

The Sin of Inaction: How Yates took the Giro, and UAE let it go - Escape Collective

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Facial Stimulation Clears Brain Waste and Boosts Aging Minds - Neuroscience News

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”